For the last 18 months I have been lost. Not like missing on the side of a milk carton, lost (I'm really dating myself. Seriously, when have you seen someone missing on a milk carton?), but mentally lost.
I was searching for something. Wealth, love, happiness, an new beginning? Who knows? I certainly didn't. The only thing I knew was that I wanted a change and I tried anything to make it happen. Unfortunately, during the process, I hurt many people, numerous times. Including myself. But I didn't care. I was a horrible person who was only concerned about my satisfaction at the moment. Sadly, that is usually about how long that satisfaction lasted.
If I couldn't find what I needed from you, I would go to someone that could provide it. I was a true asshole. I didn't care, as long as I was content for a day or two I was good.
My behavior never really sat well with me. I hated myself. I tried to convince myself that what I was doing was acceptable and that no one is being hurt from my wrong doings. It that was a lie and I believed it everyday. Truth is, everyone was hurting, including myself.
I neglected everything that once mattered to me. I thought I was on top of the world, but was too blind to see that I was barely surviving. I didn't give my kids the attention they needed, I completely forgot about my photography business. Think I had like 3 or 4 posts to my blog in the last 18 months, and those were all forced just so I could appear to be relevant.
Every morning I woke up, I hated myself. I felt as if I was living a lie but thats what I had to do to continue. At this point I felt there was no turning back and had to accept my fate.
Everything in life happens for a reason and has a purpose. There is nothing accidental or coincidental. There is no such thing as luck or chance. This is my kismet.
Nothing mattered to me. I lived day to day and accepted whatever hand I was dealt for the day. It was horrible. I was once someone who planned things out months in advance, but turned into a person who lived for the moment. This was very difficult on my mind.
I was searching for an answer. Everyday. Regardless of how many times I failed, one day I believed I would succeed.
That moment hit at the absolute lowest point I have ever felt in my life. My eyes finally opened. At last, I could see what I was blinded by before. The answer. I was so clear.
I had to right my wrongs.
I must to walk the road of redemption.
Today, the path is still rough. I am trying to make things smooth, but eventually it will get there. It's not an easy journey, but I know that anything is possible and I will make it happen!